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Keys to Unlocking Conversation
Well, last month we talked about getting out and meeting people. Now let's talk about what to do when you do meet someone.
Perhaps you have trouble figuring out what to say when meeting a new person. You can't figure out how to "break the ice" or you get very anxious in anticipation of meeting people. Here are some basic skills that can help.
First of all let's review a bit. Get yourself ready to go out and meet new people by working a little on your self esteem and reducing your anxiety:
Take these 4 steps to minimize negative self talk (the way you talk to yourself in your own mind) which can result in anxiety and even social paralysis (avoiding social situations completely or keeping to yourself when you are in a social situation) :
Stop labeling yourself negatively (example: don't tell yourself "I'm a loser. I never make friends. I never know what to say." Don't do this to yourself on the way to a social event and don't do it afterwards when you are evaluating yourself (while you're at it, just stop doing it, it's not good for you) . Identify some strengths that you have and repeat them to yourself before making contact Change your conception of the social encounter - believe that you have nothing to lose, don't let too much ride on it. Stop personalizing rejection - think of the reasons you might reject an offer of conversation, friendship or a date. Ok. You have the opportunity to talk to someone. What do you say? Here are some ways to break the ice:
Ask "ritual questions" such as "what's your name?", "how are you", "do you work here", "how do you know the host?" be curious. Ask for information - "do you know where the office is?", "Where do I put my coat?" Give a compliment Comment on the situation you're in, note anything you have in common, think about where you are Humor - you can always say something funny (this may be a little advanced)
Keep in mind the basics of conversation:
1. Asking questions
2. Active Listening - letting the person know you hear what they are saying, sort of summarizing and clarifying, paraphrasing "so your dog got off his leash and you had to chase him for three blocks, wow!" This lets the person know you are listening and interested.
3. Self Disclosure - Telling something about yourself, revealing yourself
Some other tips:
Focus on the situation you are in - you can always make a comment about where you are - "The cafeteria line is so long today." Take a risk and be the first to say "Hello" Be curious of others. Be aware of the two-way exchange in conversation (speaking and listening, asking questions about the other person, and telling about yourself.) Be yourself Seek a connection of goals, experiences, and ideas ("yeah me too", "oh really, I think that..."
Body language that signals you are receptive:
Smile (but of course use the appropriate facial expression depending on what you end up discussing)
Use an open posture (arms and legs uncrossed)
Lean in, slightly forward
Touch (this is a tricky one, shaking hands is always acceptable, sometimes a touch on the hand or shoulder is appropriate to show interest in a person or caring, use your own good judgment, if you are unsure, don't touch!)
Make frequent eye contact, steady but not staring
Nod of head
Relaxed
Squarely face the person
Keep a comfortable distance (this varies in different cultures,look around and see what others are doing)
How to Practice:
Use friends and relatives
Stirke up conversations with people in various situations
Visualize different scenarios using the ice breakers. Visualize that the conversation was successful because you are warm, friendly, confident, and relaxed.
Practice visualizing rejection to desensitize yourself to it.
Good policies regarding meeting people:
Take a risk
Don't worry what others think of you
Do some new things
Be open to new ideas
Be interested in other people's lives and stories
This is just an introduction. There are many good books on communication.
I used the following books to write this article:
Messages the Communication Skills Book
Mckay, Matthew
Davis, Martha
Fanning, Patrick
New Harbinger Press
How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends
by Don Gabor
Simon and Schuster
Phone Dr. Helen: 310/393-8783
email questions to helen@drhelen.com
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